kaaades

kayt4 @ 2006-09-07T23:49:00

2006-09-08T03:49:34Z

this is the end of this journal.
my four years of high school have come to an end.
interested in reading the next four years?
add me over again.

heart_shape
heart_shape
heart_shape
heart_shape

it's been fun, high school journal.

kayt4 @ 2006-08-19T15:42:00

2006-08-19T19:46:17Z

“Sometimes I surge with power.
Sometimes I am unable to buckle down my euphoria.
Sometimes I feel really terrible.
Sometimes I want to go home.
Sometimes I hate my body.
Sometimes I want someone to love all my faults.
Sometimes I don’t want anyone to look at me.
Sometimes I don’t say what I feel.
Sometimes I regret what I did.
Sometimes I wish I was six.”
--- Sabrina Ward Harrison

Me too.

kayt4 @ 2006-08-12T23:56:00

2006-08-13T04:01:27Z

I'm not healthy. It's truthfully not that hard to say. I am not healthy.

But I can change. And forgive me, but is that not absolutely wonderful?

I have so much power. And I've got a whole life in front of me not to prove, but witness it.

Maybe I am a control freak. Fine. But I'm a damn happy control freak.

kayt4 @ 2006-08-10T13:19:00

2006-08-10T17:19:46Z

I know ever since I've been accepted to SCAD, I've been graphic design, graphic design, graphic design. But I'm really beginning to consider that minor in writing again. It's sort of calling to me. I seriously need some more scholarships.

kayt4 @ 2006-08-09T14:10:00

2006-08-09T18:10:47Z

I got my rooming assignment for this year. I wanted Dyson House so I got Turner House, damn it all. Which means I have not one but two roommates. Joy. Kathryn and Lama. I won't even try and touch on the irony that I have a roommate named Lama. I did, however, get room #260. An even number. That has to be a slightly good sign? Maybe? Pretty please?

In other news, my entire face hurts. I'm addicted to sleeping. All my muscles are weak from the medicine. My mom made me cry for two hours straight last night and I've got a fever. I think I'd like to just shoot my brains out now. I'm waiting for someone to save me and nothing is happening. I'm pissed about being pissed and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. Shit, shit, shit. Maybe if I just pretend it's not happening... maybe...

I wish my Sabrina Ward Harrison journals would get here already. Then maybe I could escape into her fantasy world and live the dream of creative passion for the rest of my life. Immi is the only person keeping me company. God bless you, Imogen Heap. Were I a lezzer, I'd totally marry you.

I don't even know what the fuck this post was about. I'm going back to bed. Murder me if you are feeling sugary and sweet.

kayt4 @ 2006-08-02T09:16:00

2006-08-02T13:16:52Z

So I awoke at 7:52 this morning to Kaity serenading me with the Happy Birthday song.
She brought cookie cake.
And a buttload of quarters.
It's going to be an interesting day.

kayt4 @ 2006-07-29T17:58:00

2006-07-29T21:58:01Z

I'm angry that I never learned how to sew. I often think that if I had just learned how to carefully weave thread in and out, bridging gaps and patching tears, then maybe I would understand how to do it in real life. I would be more able to run a thread along a long distance and eventually pull everything together into a masterpiece. I'd complete one masterpiece after another until finally, when it was my time to exit the world, they would all combine in one final flash of light revealing something grand and awe-inspiring.

That's all I need before I die. To know that something somewhere paid off, that I inspired a heart to make a jump they otherwise wouldn't have. To restore a broken sight. To design and build something from the ground up, something tall and grand and unavoidable. That's why we become architects, painters, singers and fashion designers. We want to add a little color to someone else's world and be able to die telling the tale. That's all right by me.

kayt4 @ 2006-07-22T11:51:00

2006-07-22T15:51:50Z

This afternoon I'm driving at 90 miles per hour away from this shithole.
That's not poetic writing. That's fact.
And for four hours, I'm going to evaluate everything I've been ignoring.
In four hours, I'll be in Savannah.
In two days, I'll be sleeping in a dorm room with someone I don't know.
In five days, I'll return.
And then we'll sit down and talk and swap poetry for art.
You've got five days. Get your shit together before I come home.

kayt4 @ 2006-07-20T10:57:00

2006-07-20T14:57:18Z

I consider myself to be pretty fearless. How that's even possible, I have no idea. I've had it pointed out to me the last week or so that I'm actually more chicken shit than the average person. I'm a little upset about this. I've always been naturally (and irrationally, mind you) pyrophobic. But then there's my intense dislike and avoidance of dogs. Oh, and what friend of mine hasn't had to experience me freaking out while driving? I constantly dread driving anywhere I've never been before. I don't like to drive alone at night. I won't go into the garage at night because I'm afraid one of those mutant roaches will finally decide to eat me. I don't like going to supermarkets and restaurants and such alone because of the looks I get from men I don't know.

I could list on and on and on. There's no point. I'm just mad at myself this morning because I have to go get a shot this afternoon and I'm scared. I'm going to be eighteen years old and I'm still fearful of a needle entering my arm. It'll probably be over and done with in ten seconds but that doesn't change the fact that my stomach curls just thinking about it. And the only person who could go and make me feel strong about doing this would never spare the time to be there, much less have the time at all. It doesn't change anything, however. You know, they never read this. But I still talk to them here, because all I can think is, I really wish you could be there for me. But you won't be. And that's really why I'm mad at you. Not because you treat me like shit. Not because you forget to call or blatantly ignore my feelings. Not because you dumped me for someone else. Not because over is never really over with you. Not because you lie to me. Because you're not there. You're never there for me when I need you to be. How can you honestly expect me to believe you still love and care about me? Now, if I could just say it out loud, I'd be making progress.

I guess I'll go get that damn shot now. Damn it.

kayt4 @ 2006-07-17T13:51:00

2006-07-17T17:51:37Z

Do you ever have a day when you're pretty sure you'd hate yourself if given the chance to meet yourself? You visualize the interaction, the judgemental comments stuck behind the other's lips. You can see the venom building under your fingernails as you plan to rip her pretty face to shreds. The satisfaction sinks over your shoulders and you're about to feel so accomplished. It's a good thing I can't meet myself in public. The end result wouldn't be anywhere near beautiful.

But we can meet ourselves on the inside. I've been meeting myself everyday for the last week. It's tiring. It's frustrating. I don't feel like the me deep down likes me very much at all but I'm still talking to her. I need to make friends with her, that great person way deep down. I think the last time we were friends was when I was six years old and still believed there was a chance I could find a unicorn out in the back woods. I hate how girls have constant battles with themselves. It's bullshit. And I'm so tired of it. Tired of battling myself, tired of battling love.

There's a war inside of me.
Do I cause new heartbreak to write a new broken song?
Do I push it down or let it run me right into the ground?
I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me.

Well I can't stop talking for fear of listening to an unwelcome sound.
And you haven't called me in weeks, and honestly it's bringing me down.
Oh, I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me.
I feel like you wouldn't like me if you met me.
And don't you worry there's still time.
Don’t you worry there’s still time.

There’s nothing to live for when I'm sleeping alone.
And I wash the windows outside in hopes that the glare will bring you around.
I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me.
I feel like you wouldn't like me if you met me.
Don’t you worry there’s still time.

Sunshine is days away I won't be saved, I know all the words.
I can't say that I'll love you forever.
Sunshine is days away I won't be saved, I know all the words.
I won't say that I'll love you forever.

kayt4 @ 2006-07-11T17:01:00

2006-07-11T21:01:14Z

We keep saying everything is going to change.

Truth is, it already has. I need to wake up from this dreamland.

kayt4 @ 2006-07-09T11:07:00

2006-07-09T15:08:36Z

Sometimes I think I've got everything figured out.
That this can't get better and this can't get worse.
I replaced those big, ugly walls brick by brick.
I drew the lines we worked so hard to erase back in the sand.
And then you drop in again, right back infront of me.
And drop a gigantic bomb on everything.
I sure wish you'd stop playing with my head.
I'm not sure whether to start rebuilding.
Or just leave this stupid shithole to burn in hell.

I miss the times when we talked about absolutely nothing.
I miss the times when no one was watching us.
But most of all, I miss us.
And I'm not supposed to feel this way.

kayt4 @ 2006-07-04T13:03:00

2006-07-04T17:05:00Z

Happy 4th of July!

p.s. that shuttle launch was totally awesome.
the coolest jumbo firework ever!

kayt4 @ 2006-06-17T01:38:00

2006-06-17T05:38:37Z

HOME.
go ahead and pretend like you're not excited. bitches.

kayt4 @ 2006-05-26T09:42:00

2006-05-26T13:44:16Z

See you all in three weeks.
Miss you.

kayt4 @ 2006-05-25T11:41:00

2006-05-25T15:48:32Z

Leaving tomorrow for three weeks.
Had an almost perfect day yesterday.
Started with breakfast in bed (coffee, eclairs, strawberries).
Ended with tanlines, a tattoo, and a hickey.
Cheers to one last day of normal life.
Shiiit.

kayt4 @ 2006-05-19T13:23:00

2006-05-19T17:25:35Z

FFFRRREEEEEEDOOOOOOOOMMMM!
OMG!

kayt4 @ 2006-05-18T01:19:00

2006-05-18T05:26:59Z

I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning.
I'm going to attend a funeral.
Directly after, I'm going to cross the street and attend my practice graduation.
And then I'm hoping a piano will come crashing out of the sky.
Because, God forbid that it fails to fall, another three months will pass.
And I'll have to say good-bye all over again.
This isn't supposed to hurt.

kayt4 @ 2006-05-14T20:59:00

2006-05-15T01:15:16Z

A little late, but beter late than never.

The quintessential birds flying over the waves shot.

The lovely Emily watching the sunrise.

Waltzing through the waves.

Where we were chillin'.

The damage we did to the beach...

The shape of my toes, people.

And those would be my toes under my 'slutty, bohemian' skirt.

Emily playing with a strand of her hair.

Beauty.

P.S. Thanks for all the love on this crummy day. I truly appreciate it.

kayt4 @ 2006-05-14T10:34:00

2006-05-14T14:40:09Z

The Mother's Day curse struck again.
My uncle died this morning.
Just like my grandpa died on Mother's Day last year.
What else is there to say?
Happy Fucking Mother's Day.
The End.

kayt4 @ 2006-05-12T22:56:00

2006-05-13T03:33:57Z

Three of my favorite people. ... Emily looks as if she's in pain.
Chris seems to be saying, "Please, save me from these pathetic morons we call friends."

Sometimes I worry that I'm too weird.
Then I hang out with these two.
And my life seems normal again.

Look, I even managed to make the flowers smile.

Emily needs to practice her grill in the mirror. Seriously.
But that girl sitting next to her? Uhm, hottiiiiieeee.

Cute. Adorable. Occasionally innocent. The one, the only, my Everest.

"I just want to cuddle with it."
"Yeah, and have it rip you to shreds."
"That's okay. It can cuddle with my mangled body, just as long as we cuddle."

Look at how red the highlights are in her ponytail.
Love. Total love.
You can just back away.
It's mine.

This bird loved us. A lot. For absolutely no reason.
The shades of blue on his wings were brilliant.

"Who's a pretty bird? Who's a pretty birdie? Are you? Are you a pretty birdie?"

My Love Life.
The End.

kayt4 @ 2006-05-03T22:23:00

2006-05-04T02:43:47Z

Few places will ever leave a more significant mark on my life.

kayt4 @ 2006-04-28T16:08:00

2006-04-28T20:12:26Z

Disney Grad Nite tonight.
woop woop.
Fall Out Boy is going to be there.
woop woop.
The Class of 06 Owns You.
woop woop.

kayt4 @ 2006-04-27T22:46:00

2006-04-28T02:49:35Z

I'm flirting with disaster. I'm doing all the things I said I never would.

And I am absolutely, positively loving it.

kayt4 @ 2006-04-25T17:28:00

2006-04-25T21:31:45Z

Isn't there ANYONE out there in the fucking universe NOT looking to take advantage of me?

ANYONE?
ANYONE AT ALL?

I hate shit like this. Hate it, hate it, hate it.